Desolation of Man

For some time, I've been wondering about the state of my spiritual mind. Maybe its because I've been involved in writing some pretty heavy material and directing a very dark film. Either way, I've been thinking long and hard about myself and who I am, and who I might become.

I've always been a poor role model for spiritual guidance. I've never really been one to seek out during time of crisis, lest you simply want an entertaining response from me, then by all means hit me up.

But I've always been fighting with God. Not like Bourne Supremacy fighting, but light struggle, wondering if I'm on the right path and if I'm doing his will, or even if he has a will for me to follow.

I think all of this can be traced to my worldview on film. With almost everything I have written, the theme always comes back to the heart of darkness, and our volatile human nature. And its strange to notice all of these themes after I've written about them, and how they may apply to myself. I write about darkness. I had a very conservative and good upbringing, so I wonder what could have caused this. Maybe some people are intrigued by ideals that they themselves have never had the good fortune of experiencing.

I'm not concerned about it, merely curious. I wonder if I'm where God wants me to be, I wonder if I am doing his will, and I simply wonder about my wondering. I wonder if the heart of darkness is about my own heart, or a simple observation of a deviant culture torn apart by anger and revolt.

With Evil Angel, it is about the heart of darkness, how a moral individual can be forced and manipulated into committing incredible acts of violence and rage, therefore becoming as bad if not worse than his enemy. I see it as compromise.

I guess my writing is a part of myself. Obvious observation there. Maybe this is me purging my demons onto paper. Maybe this is just a social commentary about decadence within society. Maybe its about compromise. Maybe this is God pointing out evil in society or evil in general to me. Maybe this is God pointing simply at me. I wonder if people are proud of me, or are put off by me. I've never really wondered about that until recently, if people see me as a renegade (which could be pretty sweet) or a man who has compromised his own morals (which I don't think I have). I simply wonder.

But whatever it is, I don't regret any of it. In fact, I feel spiritually stronger than I've been feeling all semester. I simply wonder if I am doing the right thing here.

Whatever this is, this is a very interesting time in my life.