Perhaps I am hardened and bitter about the ways of God. I watch films with a highly critical eye, and often will scream stuff at the screen, much to the chagrin of anyone within a mile of me. But being critical has at least taught me that God is patient. He has to be, I'm still standing and not a burning crisp.
I wasn't taught by liberal film professors or religious fundamentalists, so all of this mostly came from my experiences on film sets, classrooms and the natural environment thing we call naaa-tuuure. I've been on a set that required us to film a simulated sex scene. This was after I spent 20 minutes attaching a stedi-cam to my spine, so, in accordance with my views, I walked off the set, stedi-cam rig firmly and rather tightly attached to my backbone.
So I've been in some interesting situations. In that situation, the sex scene added nothing to the characters and story, and was therefore unnecessary and sensationalistic. If the sex scene fit, I doubt I would've had the nerve to stay and film it anyway. Something about filming a sex scene in someone's backyard never really struck me as artistic. Unless it found its way to the Internet. Not that it matters, but they ditched the sex scene and shot something else. It wasn't because of my walking off-set with the camera, it was because of the integrity of the lead actress. So, good for her, she kept me from getting an F in the class.
Point is, I've seen a lot. My worldview has been shaped by my desire to show and prove truth. In that class and on that film shoot, I learned so much. Profanity was rampant, no more than usual, but me being a hardcore Christian, it was an interesting time, as well as eye-opening.
Okay, so far you know I've almost made my mark in the porn industry, I've nearly stolen stedi-cam equipment and the lead actress has more backbone then me. What else is there to say...
Everything that I've seen, in my walk with God and film, has been leading me to one consistent location: the heart of darkness. Everything I write always seems to go there, and I have this desire to mine that territory and find the hidden nuggets of rare material. I want to find hope is darkness.
I don't consider myself a Christian as much as I say I'm just walking with God and doing my best to follow and love him and his resurrected son. Religion is too complicated for me.
Truth. It always comes down to that. Whether I write an Iraq War script or a semi-autobiographical script, it always comes down to truth. Did I portray the scene realistically? Does it move me? Does it have a point to it?
Is God found in the scene, or is he simply a little parrot I keep on my shoulder, screaming fortune cookie slogans in my ear? I want him to be there with me, and I know I write my themes around his goodness, but, for me...
The only way to show God's goodness is to first see the darkness from where I first came. I am reminded constantly of my love for Jesus Christ when I make it through tough times, and without sin, there cannot be virtue, without death there cannot be rebirth. I had to die and break through the scar tissue of my existence in order to see the great healer.
I need the darkness to remind me where I come from, and who I am trying to be. I don't claim to be a role model, philosopher, artist, genius or a great Christian.
I'm simply a man who likes to write and has a desire to find meaning and truth. And that truth happens to be God. I'll always fight with him and you and everything, but I know I cannot lose to God without losing to myself. It all comes down to truth, and my desire to be as honest and open with as many people as possible. I don't know, I try and I fail. Circle of life.
I have my own threshold of brutality to overcome, and I hope that, even though I'm dark and angry and sinful and enjoy exploring dark and violent and complex themes, that amongst that foreboding darkness, lies a raging fire that burns and smolders and cannot be extinguished
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