Welcome back. I have returned after a long over-due hiatus. From November 4th, 2008, I have done my best to remain moderate and open-minded, hopeful about the change that was promised to me. I suppose now would be the best time to lay out all of my political thoughts, just so that I cannot be accused of bias:
Abortion: moderately pro-life, with reservations. The issue is far more complicated than platitudes and reproductive rights.
Same-sex marriage: I am for the sanctity of marriage, but I am in favor of civil unions and equal rights. Taxes and rights, they can have it. Just don't squash the rights of the church. You want rights, then respect the rights of Christians to dissent. Gay marriage isn't high on my list of priorities. In fact, I don't really give two flying squirrels about who has sex with who.
Gun control: again, I'm much more in the middle of the road. In suburbia, it is borderline impractical to own and operate a machine gun. However, restricting firearms doesn't rid the nation of fire arms. I am a constitutionalist, and believe in the right to own a firearm.
Marijuana legalization: don't really care.
I will get back to you on this. I'm tired.
Needless to say, I will use the comparison of Michael Jackson to our newly elected leader. I gave Michael Jackson a fair amount of time, over two months, before I joined in the foray of joke telling. The same applies to our President. Please notice that I indeed capitalized his title. He was elected. He is my president. What he does, however, must be criticized. As a patriot, to not offer dissent is akin to person treason on my part.
Therefore, I have held my tongue on his affairs and legislation and rhetoric for almost a year now, giving him time to get established before I started blowing smoke. Well my friends, in the mortal words of Eric Bana from Star Trek, the wait is over.
Time to step up and shout out. After I finish eating the inside of my own head.
-John Galt
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Thursday, January 15, 2009
The Award Race
I have absolutely no desire to see Slumdog Millionaire. Why? I have no freaking clue. I should see it, but for some strange reason, I don't care to see it. I want to see The Wrestler and Doubt. Frost/Nixon was astounding. But, for some inane reason, no desire to see Danny Boyle's new movie.
Benjamin Button was a bust.
Frost/Nixon was outstanding.
Blah blah blah. Too tired to rant.
Benjamin Button was a bust.
Frost/Nixon was outstanding.
Blah blah blah. Too tired to rant.
Purge.
Well, first off, I should've written this note first. So, my apologies. In this note, I will attempt to lay out my blueprints of my worldview, my continual struggle with God, Religion and the occasional epiphany that I may not be as smart as I think. Let the confession, I mean introduction, begin.
Perhaps I am hardened and bitter about the ways of God. I watch films with a highly critical eye, and often will scream stuff at the screen, much to the chagrin of anyone within a mile of me. But being critical has at least taught me that God is patient. He has to be, I'm still standing and not a burning crisp.
I wasn't taught by liberal film professors or religious fundamentalists, so all of this mostly came from my experiences on film sets, classrooms and the natural environment thing we call naaa-tuuure. I've been on a set that required us to film a simulated sex scene. This was after I spent 20 minutes attaching a stedi-cam to my spine, so, in accordance with my views, I walked off the set, stedi-cam rig firmly and rather tightly attached to my backbone.
So I've been in some interesting situations. In that situation, the sex scene added nothing to the characters and story, and was therefore unnecessary and sensationalistic. If the sex scene fit, I doubt I would've had the nerve to stay and film it anyway. Something about filming a sex scene in someone's backyard never really struck me as artistic. Unless it found its way to the Internet. Not that it matters, but they ditched the sex scene and shot something else. It wasn't because of my walking off-set with the camera, it was because of the integrity of the lead actress. So, good for her, she kept me from getting an F in the class.
Point is, I've seen a lot. My worldview has been shaped by my desire to show and prove truth. In that class and on that film shoot, I learned so much. Profanity was rampant, no more than usual, but me being a hardcore Christian, it was an interesting time, as well as eye-opening.
Okay, so far you know I've almost made my mark in the porn industry, I've nearly stolen stedi-cam equipment and the lead actress has more backbone then me. What else is there to say...
Everything that I've seen, in my walk with God and film, has been leading me to one consistent location: the heart of darkness. Everything I write always seems to go there, and I have this desire to mine that territory and find the hidden nuggets of rare material. I want to find hope is darkness.
I don't consider myself a Christian as much as I say I'm just walking with God and doing my best to follow and love him and his resurrected son. Religion is too complicated for me.
Truth. It always comes down to that. Whether I write an Iraq War script or a semi-autobiographical script, it always comes down to truth. Did I portray the scene realistically? Does it move me? Does it have a point to it?
Is God found in the scene, or is he simply a little parrot I keep on my shoulder, screaming fortune cookie slogans in my ear? I want him to be there with me, and I know I write my themes around his goodness, but, for me...
The only way to show God's goodness is to first see the darkness from where I first came. I am reminded constantly of my love for Jesus Christ when I make it through tough times, and without sin, there cannot be virtue, without death there cannot be rebirth. I had to die and break through the scar tissue of my existence in order to see the great healer.
I need the darkness to remind me where I come from, and who I am trying to be. I don't claim to be a role model, philosopher, artist, genius or a great Christian.
I'm simply a man who likes to write and has a desire to find meaning and truth. And that truth happens to be God. I'll always fight with him and you and everything, but I know I cannot lose to God without losing to myself. It all comes down to truth, and my desire to be as honest and open with as many people as possible. I don't know, I try and I fail. Circle of life.
I have my own threshold of brutality to overcome, and I hope that, even though I'm dark and angry and sinful and enjoy exploring dark and violent and complex themes, that amongst that foreboding darkness, lies a raging fire that burns and smolders and cannot be extinguished
Perhaps I am hardened and bitter about the ways of God. I watch films with a highly critical eye, and often will scream stuff at the screen, much to the chagrin of anyone within a mile of me. But being critical has at least taught me that God is patient. He has to be, I'm still standing and not a burning crisp.
I wasn't taught by liberal film professors or religious fundamentalists, so all of this mostly came from my experiences on film sets, classrooms and the natural environment thing we call naaa-tuuure. I've been on a set that required us to film a simulated sex scene. This was after I spent 20 minutes attaching a stedi-cam to my spine, so, in accordance with my views, I walked off the set, stedi-cam rig firmly and rather tightly attached to my backbone.
So I've been in some interesting situations. In that situation, the sex scene added nothing to the characters and story, and was therefore unnecessary and sensationalistic. If the sex scene fit, I doubt I would've had the nerve to stay and film it anyway. Something about filming a sex scene in someone's backyard never really struck me as artistic. Unless it found its way to the Internet. Not that it matters, but they ditched the sex scene and shot something else. It wasn't because of my walking off-set with the camera, it was because of the integrity of the lead actress. So, good for her, she kept me from getting an F in the class.
Point is, I've seen a lot. My worldview has been shaped by my desire to show and prove truth. In that class and on that film shoot, I learned so much. Profanity was rampant, no more than usual, but me being a hardcore Christian, it was an interesting time, as well as eye-opening.
Okay, so far you know I've almost made my mark in the porn industry, I've nearly stolen stedi-cam equipment and the lead actress has more backbone then me. What else is there to say...
Everything that I've seen, in my walk with God and film, has been leading me to one consistent location: the heart of darkness. Everything I write always seems to go there, and I have this desire to mine that territory and find the hidden nuggets of rare material. I want to find hope is darkness.
I don't consider myself a Christian as much as I say I'm just walking with God and doing my best to follow and love him and his resurrected son. Religion is too complicated for me.
Truth. It always comes down to that. Whether I write an Iraq War script or a semi-autobiographical script, it always comes down to truth. Did I portray the scene realistically? Does it move me? Does it have a point to it?
Is God found in the scene, or is he simply a little parrot I keep on my shoulder, screaming fortune cookie slogans in my ear? I want him to be there with me, and I know I write my themes around his goodness, but, for me...
The only way to show God's goodness is to first see the darkness from where I first came. I am reminded constantly of my love for Jesus Christ when I make it through tough times, and without sin, there cannot be virtue, without death there cannot be rebirth. I had to die and break through the scar tissue of my existence in order to see the great healer.
I need the darkness to remind me where I come from, and who I am trying to be. I don't claim to be a role model, philosopher, artist, genius or a great Christian.
I'm simply a man who likes to write and has a desire to find meaning and truth. And that truth happens to be God. I'll always fight with him and you and everything, but I know I cannot lose to God without losing to myself. It all comes down to truth, and my desire to be as honest and open with as many people as possible. I don't know, I try and I fail. Circle of life.
I have my own threshold of brutality to overcome, and I hope that, even though I'm dark and angry and sinful and enjoy exploring dark and violent and complex themes, that amongst that foreboding darkness, lies a raging fire that burns and smolders and cannot be extinguished
Desolation of Man
For some time, I've been wondering about the state of my spiritual mind. Maybe its because I've been involved in writing some pretty heavy material and directing a very dark film. Either way, I've been thinking long and hard about myself and who I am, and who I might become.
I've always been a poor role model for spiritual guidance. I've never really been one to seek out during time of crisis, lest you simply want an entertaining response from me, then by all means hit me up.
But I've always been fighting with God. Not like Bourne Supremacy fighting, but light struggle, wondering if I'm on the right path and if I'm doing his will, or even if he has a will for me to follow.
I think all of this can be traced to my worldview on film. With almost everything I have written, the theme always comes back to the heart of darkness, and our volatile human nature. And its strange to notice all of these themes after I've written about them, and how they may apply to myself. I write about darkness. I had a very conservative and good upbringing, so I wonder what could have caused this. Maybe some people are intrigued by ideals that they themselves have never had the good fortune of experiencing.
I'm not concerned about it, merely curious. I wonder if I'm where God wants me to be, I wonder if I am doing his will, and I simply wonder about my wondering. I wonder if the heart of darkness is about my own heart, or a simple observation of a deviant culture torn apart by anger and revolt.
With Evil Angel, it is about the heart of darkness, how a moral individual can be forced and manipulated into committing incredible acts of violence and rage, therefore becoming as bad if not worse than his enemy. I see it as compromise.
I guess my writing is a part of myself. Obvious observation there. Maybe this is me purging my demons onto paper. Maybe this is just a social commentary about decadence within society. Maybe its about compromise. Maybe this is God pointing out evil in society or evil in general to me. Maybe this is God pointing simply at me. I wonder if people are proud of me, or are put off by me. I've never really wondered about that until recently, if people see me as a renegade (which could be pretty sweet) or a man who has compromised his own morals (which I don't think I have). I simply wonder.
But whatever it is, I don't regret any of it. In fact, I feel spiritually stronger than I've been feeling all semester. I simply wonder if I am doing the right thing here.
Whatever this is, this is a very interesting time in my life.
I've always been a poor role model for spiritual guidance. I've never really been one to seek out during time of crisis, lest you simply want an entertaining response from me, then by all means hit me up.
But I've always been fighting with God. Not like Bourne Supremacy fighting, but light struggle, wondering if I'm on the right path and if I'm doing his will, or even if he has a will for me to follow.
I think all of this can be traced to my worldview on film. With almost everything I have written, the theme always comes back to the heart of darkness, and our volatile human nature. And its strange to notice all of these themes after I've written about them, and how they may apply to myself. I write about darkness. I had a very conservative and good upbringing, so I wonder what could have caused this. Maybe some people are intrigued by ideals that they themselves have never had the good fortune of experiencing.
I'm not concerned about it, merely curious. I wonder if I'm where God wants me to be, I wonder if I am doing his will, and I simply wonder about my wondering. I wonder if the heart of darkness is about my own heart, or a simple observation of a deviant culture torn apart by anger and revolt.
With Evil Angel, it is about the heart of darkness, how a moral individual can be forced and manipulated into committing incredible acts of violence and rage, therefore becoming as bad if not worse than his enemy. I see it as compromise.
I guess my writing is a part of myself. Obvious observation there. Maybe this is me purging my demons onto paper. Maybe this is just a social commentary about decadence within society. Maybe its about compromise. Maybe this is God pointing out evil in society or evil in general to me. Maybe this is God pointing simply at me. I wonder if people are proud of me, or are put off by me. I've never really wondered about that until recently, if people see me as a renegade (which could be pretty sweet) or a man who has compromised his own morals (which I don't think I have). I simply wonder.
But whatever it is, I don't regret any of it. In fact, I feel spiritually stronger than I've been feeling all semester. I simply wonder if I am doing the right thing here.
Whatever this is, this is a very interesting time in my life.
Humming Hallelujah to the sound of my own pace.
Since this is my first blog, to hell with it all. Throughout my life I've experienced unbridled rage, regret, terror, agony, rejection, and the occasional unhealthy dose of reality. And since being a lawyer or doctor was out, I figured why not channel all of my emotions into fictional characters and create an imaginary universe where I, Nicholas Ahern, aspiring writer, am quite literally God.
Hallelujah.
There is power in words. People forget that fact because words are being replaced with pseudo-techno-jargon not unlike LOL or WTF. So much can be said with three simple letters, but people don't often think about the letters or words and phrases or sentences that comprise this wonderful creation called language.
Hallelujah.
The power of pen and paper is quickly falling. Zeroes and Ones have replaced it, when to literally hand write a paper is frowned upon as if one is still utilizing the horse and carriage to it's fullest potential. There is so much to express and create within our very essence as humans that we often settle for the ordinary instead of the sublime.
Hallelujah.
I simply wonder and hum hallelujah as my life spins out of control. I'm not a nihilist, a romanticist, an existentialist, an atheist, or a fundamentalist. I am, quite simply, just a man. I am a shell, crying out for forgiveness and redemption, but also recognition.
Hallelujah.
Words are my sword. Words are my hands and arms. Words will never die. Because of that, I close my eyes and thank God that I have the chance to write this never next phrase:
Thank you.
-Nick
Hallelujah.
There is power in words. People forget that fact because words are being replaced with pseudo-techno-jargon not unlike LOL or WTF. So much can be said with three simple letters, but people don't often think about the letters or words and phrases or sentences that comprise this wonderful creation called language.
Hallelujah.
The power of pen and paper is quickly falling. Zeroes and Ones have replaced it, when to literally hand write a paper is frowned upon as if one is still utilizing the horse and carriage to it's fullest potential. There is so much to express and create within our very essence as humans that we often settle for the ordinary instead of the sublime.
Hallelujah.
I simply wonder and hum hallelujah as my life spins out of control. I'm not a nihilist, a romanticist, an existentialist, an atheist, or a fundamentalist. I am, quite simply, just a man. I am a shell, crying out for forgiveness and redemption, but also recognition.
Hallelujah.
Words are my sword. Words are my hands and arms. Words will never die. Because of that, I close my eyes and thank God that I have the chance to write this never next phrase:
Thank you.
-Nick
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